The Discerning Loyalty Of A Journey Man.

    Often, we mistake a thought; an idea; a circumstance- a person’s circumstance, for the whole of it. We often do not see beyond what is before us especially when we think so highly of our evaluation methods. We never stop to think there could be more to a thing than the limitations of our methods allow us to perceive. An almost odious insistence creeps in; one that supposes any other dissenting opinion is wrong or contrived- especially, when our observations, are our only frame of reference, in respect, to our understanding of a matter, situation or person.

                  Do not forget your journey for a conversation.

You’d imagine the way people go about insisting on notions like loyalty, humility, transparency, arrogance or generosity even that they’d recognise such a thing if it became personified, walked up to them and said hello. Reality is a radical departure and we find that they do not. We are typically more concerned with the form in which a thing is presented than the substance of which it is made. We are obsessed with an insistence on sycophancy and will mask, perhaps unknowingly, this insistence behind any suitably sufficient excuse.

“You are rude”

“You are arrogant”

“You are....” ad nauseum

I do not suppose it is difficult to see why things such as “Godfatherism” persists around here, a revolting notion that a person should become subservient to another simply because that one has been instrumental to realising the goals of the other; effectively, subjecting one to the whims of the other. While it may not always start off this way, it most often ends this way. It is why it is perfectly fine that humans lay prostrate before another, grovelling as it were, as captured in that viral video clip- the one with a minister-the other time. If you don’t, you don’t have respect, as we say.

A bargain, any bargain, especially psychological, is no generosity.

And this is because there is no uniform definition to notions such as; loyalty, arrogance, humility, decency, generosity, etc. there may exist dictionary meanings; an attempt at a sort of objective normative standard that some philosophers argue for, but in practice, loyalty and any other such notions are far from any recognisable standard and are utterly subjective. They will always mean what people want them to mean-as it suits their purposes- and you’d waste an entire lifetime trying to satisfy them all.

“People that subject you to one arbitrary test too many, do not want you to pass, they want to see you fail at it once so they can say; aha! I knew it!”

In any event it is not as if there is any firm belief behind these accusations. You have watched them throw one misapplied notion after the other. Some you have addressed only to find that it is quickly replaced by another equally preposterous. You give up; the futile nature of this exchange is overwhelmingly apparent now. This kind of cyclical meaningless dance is not your forte.

“When people insist on finding a flaw in a thing by any means; get out of the way, wish them well, and get busy doing other things.”

“Ungrateful..”

“Disloyal..”

You’d be forgiven for thinking these folks made you immortal but you turned around and consumed more than your fair share of Ambrosia, peeing on what little that is left as you did so. Or perhaps they have been feeding and providing you shelter all your life. You look around you in disbelief, especially at the modesty of your surroundings and, cannot help but wonder, exasperatedly; what is wrong with these people? You have consciously not even made one demand for yourself and would not even know how to if you had wanted to.

“Be wary, very wary, of those that hide in the shadow to throw stones. “

Shadowly; those ones that hide behind the scenes, for what? To catch you at some horror? Maybe they think you worship the devil in your spare time, or fuck goats, or both. It certainly can’t be to catch you chasing skirts or rolling a joint. But who know what turns on Shadowly? At this point, the division blurs and they are mostly one and the same. No sides; they all hide in the shadows; to throw stones.

It has to be something and sometimes you wonder what it is. You have no one to talk to anymore, no one to trust. Even if you did, you would not dare, for fear that you may expose them to the discomfort you currently endure and possibly, danger even. It gets lonely but you try to stay upbeat. You try. But soon enough, the realisation that you need to force a sense of happiness further depresses you. Mood swings you thought were long past you begin to resurface. The dark threatens to overwhelm you and you now resort to higher doses of medication-self medication, to keep going. They obviously do not realise the damage they cause, or they do and, seek to break you down thereby.

You leave for Zaria, that delightful old, dry, dusty place where you can be alone yet in the company of your thoughts and books. But alas! They have a stooge there already, one that has probably been selected to match their idea of your psychological profile. He happens to drop little hints of what you are occupied by. You did not quickly realise it then, only much later. Why has this escaped you? Is it because he is likeable? You are sure you do not mind him, you just don’t appreciate the intrusions, you don’t even care to try to find who he reports to.

It is not much different elsewhere. You are hesitant to work. There is a lurker in your emails. Those devices logging in your box aren’t yours. You change passwords but they keep coming. What do they think you have in there, a million Dollar idea? Ideas mean nothing. They are cheap. They are everywhere. They are infinite. You’d expect that they know this. But clearly what do they know but a mindless insistence on control?

And social media - social medina, hah!- is even worse. Strange fellows come hinting at what is in your head. Are all these sailors’ kindred? You hope so. Mind, you have never shared any of this with them so you are cautious that they pop these things at you and expect that you lap it all up. Not fear just caution. Fear is not a thing you understand the way other people do. Never have. Anyway, why are they all so like-able? You remain cautious and hold back your charm. You never know who is watching, & you could be putting an innocent in danger without meaning to. In any event, all new friends should seek you in person but, they do not. They remain in the shadows, you remain wary, rightfully so.

“Friendship is a burden; I do not want to be burdened against my will nor do I wish to do same to another.”

Suddenly distant relatives are all up in your business. You can smell them from a mile off. You are bored now; quietly incensed at the length these shadowly go to establish their position of strength using those friends and those relatives. Why these utterly silly games? Why the thinly veiled uncouth insulting references to your social background?  The assumption being that you care for such things? Does that add any or remove anything from your humanity? Does it add or subtract from the validity of your thoughts? Of course it doesn’t, this is their way of establishing power dynamics. It is a strange thing but that is no longer your concern. Do we not find that every problem requires a hammer to the one whose only acquaintance with tools is limited to hammers?

You want to say to your relatives; “go away” as disgustedly as Soyinka told his jailers. But you don’t, of course these relatives no matter how distant, are likable too. They probably are doing this because they care deeply, albeit misguidedly.

Silly power games; games of control, they serve no purpose but to further pull you away. Even those you’d spur romance with must attempt such a display. You’d wish that they knew what such games meant and stopped but, we are creatures of pride and we must assert our status. I assert, therefore I am?  Just as well, perhaps this romance business is not meant for you. You are resolved to that realization now.

                           “He takes from whoever He pleases.”

                           “He gives to whoever He pleases.”

“He whose roof is heaven and over whom the stars continually rise and set in one and the same course makes the beginnings of his affairs and his knowledge of time depend upon them.”

                                       Al Biruni, quoted in MA Foster’s GamePlayers.

It is perplexing and maybe designed to annoy you; this sheer refusal to interact directly with a thing but, to take second hand subjective information from everything around a thing, and use this to force an interaction with a thing and insist, when response deviates from the expected, that, a thing is not what it is- that a thing is not true. But of course it is not true! You have refused to interact directly with it so you do not know it and you do not know it because you’d rather talk to others of it than to talk at once to it.

 Is it psychological, an attempt to wear you down, anything to give them some advantage against what they do not understand? Why not seek to understand it directly? It is puzzling, amusing but often irritating. You must not be angry at such misunderstandings however. Perception is a powerful thing and people will see only what they want to see. Learn to walk away. .

Often, we mistake a thought; an idea; a circumstance- a person’s circumstance, for the whole of it. We often do not see beyond what is before us especially when we think so highly of our evaluation methods. We never stop to think there could be more to a thing than the limitations of our methods allow us to perceive. An almost odious insistence creeps in; one that supposes any other dissenting opinion is wrong or contrived- especially, when our observations, are our only frame of reference, in respect, to our understanding of a matter, situation or person. Now you are tired of this place you find yourself. Did they not tell you that the world remains the way it is because it consciously does not want to be otherwise? Those that seek to control than befriend have no idea of the dynamics of influence. What we seek to control, we truly have no power over. What we can accept, we have mastered.

  

               Do not forget your journey for a conversation.

These games disgust you and you’d rather bake in the sun than spend any minute at it you remind yourself humorously. Some people spend the whole of their lives at this? Perhaps the satisfaction derived is utilitarian; you are sure you want none of it. Let these ones play at such games, the Cosmos has better games for any that seek it.

Hark! You must not lose sleep if you do not have this conversation; other travelers go before you; do not be tempted by this view.

 Get up, fasten your sandals, sling your pouch, wet your face and continue your journey. You are not angry, not resentful. These are not necessary conditions and should not be.

                         First, you must do no harm...

 They have taught you what no one else will and for this you are grateful. Wont you leave a token behind? So that they may remember; that at one time, a traveler passed through.